Timing and it's tricks

lessons abound.

Disclaimer: this talks about so many big feelings and experiences around pregnancy, a subject that I know can be sensitive to others.

The first thing I did when I found out I was pregnant was go to New York City. Not to run off or anything, it was a planned trip that happened to coincide with receiving the news around 8pm the evening before my 6am flight. It was my first trip for pleasure and individual purpose, not related to work, planned in quite sometime and had two parts. First up, go see my best friend who had newly moved there and get eyes on her new life. Then part two, head to Western Massachusetts to participate in a dance intensive for the weekend. When the third test also read Pregnant, I almost canceled my flight, called it all off.

In the months prior to this moment in time, my partner and I were continuing to flirt with the potential of bringing a little one earth side. We were getting closer. It felt like it was in the air everywhere. It had been part of the plan, but also had continued to feel questionable when we took a look at the world around us. Like even if we wanted it, could we make sense of it. I could insert here a long list of the whys and why nots. All those questions of how, what, when, and should we are still very present even now as I sit here 9 months pregnant. (I wrote this prior to the occupation of ICE in MPLS and it feels even more resonate, even more scary. Have a baby now….now way…but also here we are). The how we will navigate these times and how we will breath good into their existence and what they bring to the world.

I had set a boundary. “We can’t even seriously consider it before my NYC and Mass trip.” That trip was intended to be for me and it was meant to be unencumbered by these weighted questions and the reality of carrying a child. It was one of those important selfish moments, calling in what you want, need, and desire. Is selfish even the right word here?

As expressed here before, I am a dancer but my relationship to it is complicated. The day to day connection and practice is disconnected more often than not, so to claim it as an identifying factor feels hard. It all still lives in my bones, muscles, and tissues but the way my understanding holds it feels messy since I am not always actively doing the thing. Yada yada, you know that fun imposter syndrome thing that is a very present part of life. I feel like a broken record about these feels but they also remain true. A loop I seem to be a bit stuck in.

So anyway the idea of attending a dance intensive out of my own local dance community became an absolutely sacred idea. A commitment to my practice I had not made in a long time. A big saying YES to dancer Emma. Days away in the studio to just be with and in my body. Learn from new voices. Trying out different strategies and ways in. The dream. The ultimate thing to look forward to and so I became protective over it.

And yet, the universe said otherwise. It said, nope here is this whole new thing to consider just moments/hours before you get on that plane. For me finding out I was pregnant was not one of those jump up and down and scream with excitement at the results moments. I think my eyes got as wide as my whole face and I took two more test because I was in disbelief. I sunk down on the couch in shock. Mostly because I was leaving my love and it felt important to process this together, but also because the one boundary I had made was completely pushed over. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel excitement, but I felt the weight of it all first.

Now of course, I know and believe I had choice in this matter, especially living in the Minnesota. Thank goodness. But even amongst the shock that felt really loud, there was a deep glimmer, a whisper of trust in my belly that some how it was also the right time. The moment had come.

It took time for that whisper to grow louder, but little by little it did. The first moments of slight volume turn up was actually at that dance intensive, that I so badly wanted just for me. In the middle of a durational practice it dawned on me that even with a tiny little lentil sized ball of cells growing in my body I was dancing. And actually it gave me something new to move with. Ideas of portals emerged and a whole new pathway to improvise with showed up and inspired.

The way the year played out, I actually had more dance gigs and projects than the year prior. I spent basically my whole pregnancy dancing, choreographing, and performing in ways I did not plan. Project seemed to come to me just at the right time. And what was funny was that I didn’t personally seek any of them out. They came to me. A call from an previous colleague, a connection from a professor, and my trio was asked to be in residency at a university. It is really baffling to be honest, but I can’t make it up. It is like this little one knew this was the moment to show me that the show must go on. I cringe that I wrote that, but it also seems to sum it up. That certain decisions do not need to eclipse whole parts of self. If anything they can support, amplify, and reflect. I am so grateful for this lesson.

This seemed to take me months to write. I would come back here and there and add a sentence or two. But now I sit at my table with this little one next to me and I continue to feel more clear in the lessons of timing. All I need to do is surrender, listen, and trust.